Challenge to Christian Belief: The Problem of Relationship

Angel: God, the human is ready. How shall you customize their behavior? Their likes and dislikes? What will they want, and what will they do?

God: I am a God of relationship. As such, I will make them relational beings. They will be social in nature, and their greatest desire will be for love, and love will be their greatest virtue.

Angel: I am in awe of the beauty of what you say. How will they love? How will they know that they are loved? As relational beings, how will they relate?

God: You speak of what humans will one day call "love languages." Their love languages will be as follows:

They will love by sight.

They will love by sound, especially the sound of voice.

They will love by conversation, both written and auditory.

They will love by touch.

They will love by sensation, hugging, cuddling, shaking hands, and what humans will one day call "dapping."

Angel: What is that?

God: It is like a hand shake, except you clap your hand with theirs and try to make as loud a sound as you can.

Angel: Okay... Hands... those are the ends of the tubes at the top?

God: That's right. You will see what it's like when I send you to earth with a human body. You will freak out, but just tell yourself to not be afraid and you will calm down.

Angel: Got it.

God: Where was I? Right, how humans will relate.

They will love by giving compliments, advice, encouragement, and making each other laugh.

They will love by giving each other gifts.

They will love by spending time with each other and feeling each other's presence.

They will love by sacrificing for one another.

They will love by sharing knowledge.

They will love by sharing experiences and forming memories together.

They will love by supporting each other during hard times.

They will love by opening up to one another and displaying vulnerability and trust.

They will love by acts of kindness.

They will love by building things and working together on meaningful projects with a common goal.

Angel: How wonderful it is to hear you say these things! And as a God of love and relationship, will you love them, or only have them love each other?

God: Of course as a God of love I will love them.

Angel: Do you want them to know you love them?

God: As a God of relationship, of course I want them to know that I love them.

Angel: Given your desire for them to know that they are loved by you, and given their understanding of what it means to be loved, an understanding you yourself have given them, will you love them accordingly?

God: Of course, it will be as you say.

Angel: So if they love by sight, then they will be able to see you?

God: No, I will be invisible to them.

Angel: So if they love by sound, especially the sound of voice, will they hear your voice?

God: No, they will never hear me so much as say their name.

Angel: So if they love by conversation, both written and auditory, will you converse with them, either by writing or speaking to them?

God: No, I will hold no extemporaneous, back-and-forth conversation through text or speech with any human.

Angel: So if they love by touch, will you touch them?

God: No, I will have no body.

Angel: So if they love by sensation, by hugging and cuddling, will you hug or cuddle with any human?

God: I will have no body with which to do so.

Angel: So if they love by giving compliments, giving advice, giving encouragement, and by making each other laugh, will you do so?

God: I will give no compliments, no advice, no encouragement, and I will not make anyone laugh.

Angel: So if they love by giving each other gifts—and, I imagine, gifts tailored to the specific needs, personality, and circumstances of the person to indicate your thoughtfulness and understanding, making them feel seen and understood—will you give such gifts?

God: I mean, they can pray and ask for stuff.

Angel: Will it work?

God: Not even once.

Angel: So if they love by spending time with each other and feeling each other's presence, will you spend time with people and have them feel your presence?

God: Actually, they will pray to me and I will never respond in any way, shape, or form, and they will hear deafening silence and wonder whether I exist at all.

Angel: ...Okay...

So if they love by sacrificing for one another, will you sacrifice something to make your love known?

God: Yes. I will send my son to die for humanity.  

Angel: Okay. How is that a sacrifice on your part?

God: He will be the incarnation of the second person of the Trinity.

Angel: What? Okay, so you will die for humanity?

God: No, my son will die... and that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Angel: ...Right. How is that a sacrifice on your part?

God: I am God.

Angel: How can you have a son if you don't—Whatever, let's move on. So if they love by sharing knowledge, will you share knowledge with them, such as fundamentally important truths relating to the foundations of logic, math, and science?

God: No, I will let them figure that out on their own.

Angel: I see. And you will grant them great intelligence to help them figure things out?

God: No, they will be dreadfully wrong about most things most of the time.

Angel: *Sigh* ... So if they love by sharing experiences and forming memories together, will you share experiences and form memories with any of them? Let me guess, no?

God: No.

Angel: Of course.

God: I am God.

Angel: Yep. You... sure are. So if they love by supporting each other during hard times, will you support them through hard times?

God: What, like the death of a loved one, poverty, natural disasters, war, disease, things like that?

Angel: Exactly!

God: Nope, I will let them struggle and writhe in pain and die.

Angel: Gizes kraist.

God: What was that?

Angel: It's... an expression angels use to express shock, disbelief, bafflement, things like that.

God: ...I like the sound of that.

Angel: ...Anyway, so if humans love by opening up to one another and displaying vulnerability and trust, will you open up to humans and be vulnerable with them, or at least let them be vulnerable with you?

God: I mean, they can always pray to me, but nothing will ever come of it.

Angel: ...

*Heavy sigh, switching to monotone voice* 

So if they love by acts of kindness will you display kindness through actions?

God: Not in an everyday kind of way. But I will send my son to die for them.

Angel: For what, exactly?

God: To wash away their sins.

Angel: Their sins... what?

God: So you know how when someone does something wrong, they need to die to make up for it?

Angel: ...No??

God: It's for that.

Angel: ...??

God: If they die in their sins, then they go to hell. Forever. A place of torture. So I will send my son to die for them, so they don't have to go to hell.

Angel: To what?! You created a place of eternal torture??

God: Yes, for the sinners.

Angel: So I ask about acts of kindness and you mention... committing the worst crime imaginable?

God: Justice demands it.

Angel: Says who?

God: Says me.

Angel: Why? Why not say something else, something that doesn't require eternal torture? Why not just write off debt like every other business and avoid the needless violence of human sacrifice?

God: I am God.

Angel: We're done here. Why would someone create creatures who relate in broad and specific ways and proceed to relate to them in exactly zero of those ways all while claiming to desire relationship with said creatures, I have no idea.